Yesterday was my "day off". So, I got and up and got the kids off to school. By the time I got them all out the door I had just under two hours until I had to be at the school with our turtles for show and tell. As I walked around the empty house all I could see was all that frustrated me about our home.
We had carpet laid in our room earlier in the week. The after effects were still quite visible....most of the contents of our bedroom (with the exception of the furniture) was still in our dining room. My laundry room looked like a clothes volcano had erupted in it. There were piles of clean clothes that had been washed, dried and folded covering the tops of the washer and dryer. Piles of clothes that needed to be hung up lying over the back of the office chair which sat in front of the desk you could not see due to the basket of laundry that had not been folded that was sitting on top of it. As I made my way out the door to the school I noticed again the pile of carpet scraps and carpet roll the carpet layers left on our porch right next to the hole in the porch floor due to a broken board. The feeling of inadequacy was mounting.
I made my rounds with the turtles to each of the kid's classrooms, picked Jake up from pre-school, dropped the turtles back off at home and dropped Jake of with his dad. Each Friday I help in Hunter's class with centers. Before we began centers Hunter's teacher informed me of an upcoming meeting to discuss Hunter and the possibility of retaining him in kindergarten next year. REALLY???? I spent the rest of my time in the classroom looking around at the other kindergartner's and assessing their academic skills against Hunter's. By the time I left the school and met my husband and Jake at McDonald's play place for lunch I was in an emotional pit.
I was asking myself..... "what is the matter with you?" "why can't you raise "smart" kids?" "why can't you keep up with your housework and laundry?" I began to think of many of the other mom's I knew who had clean homes, laundry caught up and put away. I thought of my friends who's kids were reading with much more success than my boys. I was on an emotional downward spiral.
I then remembered a friend's post on facebook I had read earlier that day. "Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load." Galatians 6: 4-5. "Without comparing himself to somebody else..."
Wow! What a trap I had been caught in. That was exactly what I was doing and had been doing for quite sometime. I started thinking of all the things that I compared: my house, my job, my church, my children, my weight, my appearance, my marriage. Not that I did it everyday, but the days I already felt bad about my situation for whatever reason, I would start to look around at others around me and begin comparing.
First of all, comparisons are never accurate. Things always look better from the outside but, the truth is EVERYONE has their own set of issues. Second, I realized that in comparing myself and my life with others I was not thanking God for what He has given me. He has given me a load to carry....unlike anyone else's load so, no comparison would be fair.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Out of the Mouth......
One of my favorite evenings of the week is Sunday. Jason is usually at youth group and the kids and I have a laid back evening. We have a simple supper, the kids get their bathes early, and then head to bed to watch tv for a little bit before going to sleep. I just enjoy the time of relaxation with the kids before we begin our busy week.
Tonight was a typical Sunday evening. The kids and I were all in the kitchen warming up leftovers for supper. Each of the kids thought they should already have theirs warm. Then an on slaught of requests...."can you open this for me?" "Is mine done yet?" "Can I have something else?" "Can I have a drink?".....I am trying to meet each request and not loose my patients with them. Then, as Hunter is getting ketchup out of the fridge the door closed on his hand and I thought I heard him say a curse word....It was like a scene in a movie, you know when you hear the sound of a record scratching and everything comes to a screeching hault! I said, "What did you say?" Hunter's response was, "I will go to time out." I said no you need to tell me what you just said. He then repeated it. (Still not sure if I should have had him repeat it) Then, I asked him where he heard that. "I don't know" is all I got out of him. I gently but firmly explained that we do not talk that way and said, " I better not hear that agian MR!"
I was quite surprised by this "slip of the tongue". His dad and I don't talk like that. I really had no idea where he got it. But, thought that it was just a one time deal and he knew he wasn't supposed to use that word. After dinner was over and I was cleaning up the kitchen Hunter asks, "Do we have school tomorrow?" I answered, "yes" and then he said it AGAIN!!!
I knew that this was a problem. What if he went to church and said that? He said, "I am sorry mommy, I forgot." So, like any good mother would do.....I put soap in his mouth. It was just a tiny bit of dish soap. I said, "I know you forgot, but I need to help you remember."
Then, I thought about how I use my mouth. I may not say curse words. But, I do use it to yell at my kids often. How many times have I said to myself and them, "Mommy is not going to yell anymore." Then when I get stressed and don't feel like I am being heard I find myself yelling again. Somedays I think all my kids hear is Charlie Brown's teacher until I yell at them, and then they really her me. But, is that how God intended for me to use my mouth? I then thought of the passage in James 3 when he talks about using our mouth to "praise God and curse men....this cannot be" Part of me wished that my Heavenly Father would put soap in my mouth to help me remember not to use my mouth to yell at my kids. It is and will be a hard habit for me to break. But, I want to use my mouth to encourage and build my kids up, not tear them down. I know I cannot do it on my own.
I am always amazed at how God uses my children to teach me......
Tonight was a typical Sunday evening. The kids and I were all in the kitchen warming up leftovers for supper. Each of the kids thought they should already have theirs warm. Then an on slaught of requests...."can you open this for me?" "Is mine done yet?" "Can I have something else?" "Can I have a drink?".....I am trying to meet each request and not loose my patients with them. Then, as Hunter is getting ketchup out of the fridge the door closed on his hand and I thought I heard him say a curse word....It was like a scene in a movie, you know when you hear the sound of a record scratching and everything comes to a screeching hault! I said, "What did you say?" Hunter's response was, "I will go to time out." I said no you need to tell me what you just said. He then repeated it. (Still not sure if I should have had him repeat it) Then, I asked him where he heard that. "I don't know" is all I got out of him. I gently but firmly explained that we do not talk that way and said, " I better not hear that agian MR!"
I was quite surprised by this "slip of the tongue". His dad and I don't talk like that. I really had no idea where he got it. But, thought that it was just a one time deal and he knew he wasn't supposed to use that word. After dinner was over and I was cleaning up the kitchen Hunter asks, "Do we have school tomorrow?" I answered, "yes" and then he said it AGAIN!!!
I knew that this was a problem. What if he went to church and said that? He said, "I am sorry mommy, I forgot." So, like any good mother would do.....I put soap in his mouth. It was just a tiny bit of dish soap. I said, "I know you forgot, but I need to help you remember."
Then, I thought about how I use my mouth. I may not say curse words. But, I do use it to yell at my kids often. How many times have I said to myself and them, "Mommy is not going to yell anymore." Then when I get stressed and don't feel like I am being heard I find myself yelling again. Somedays I think all my kids hear is Charlie Brown's teacher until I yell at them, and then they really her me. But, is that how God intended for me to use my mouth? I then thought of the passage in James 3 when he talks about using our mouth to "praise God and curse men....this cannot be" Part of me wished that my Heavenly Father would put soap in my mouth to help me remember not to use my mouth to yell at my kids. It is and will be a hard habit for me to break. But, I want to use my mouth to encourage and build my kids up, not tear them down. I know I cannot do it on my own.
I am always amazed at how God uses my children to teach me......
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
"Momma Bear"
Every parent dreads a call from the Principal's office. I received my first today. Joshua had been in an altercation at lunch and was punched in the stomach by another kid. Thankfully Joshua was not in any trouble. However I was thankful for the phone call. I saw it as an opportunity to inquire about the progress of Joshua's testing.
Over the passed month we have heard little from the school and with each passing week I grow more weary. The Principal answered as many questions he could and then transferred me to the school social worker. The social worker gets on the phone and says, "good news, I have received Josh's file and we can set up an appointment to start the process." I thought to myself....."good news???? Start the process???? We haven't even started yet???" I feel like I am trying to navigate through a dark alley with very little sense of direction. As I began to ask more questions and realized that there is only 40 school days left and legally they have 60 to complete the testing, my emotions began to rise!! You mean to tell me we could begin this process and not complete it until August or September??!! This was first mentioned to me in October??? And I began to feel like a Momma Bear defending her cub!!! Grrrrr! So, frustrated, so helpless. Not really wanting to be mean but, not knowing what to do.
As I recounted the earlier phone conversations to my husband tonight, I remember what I had studied this morning....one of the lines in my devotion said "You have God on your side so what are you worried about." I began to have a renewed sense of peace. God knows Josh better than I or any educator at the school. He knows what timing is best. He is in control. I do not have to turn into "Momma Bear" to defend Josh.
I still have questions about the process and even have reservations about beginning the official testing this school year. God has abundantly surrounded us with people who have more knowledge and experience with this process than Jason and I do. The Bible says in His time. So, now I am asking God to help us make the right decisions for Josh.
Over the passed month we have heard little from the school and with each passing week I grow more weary. The Principal answered as many questions he could and then transferred me to the school social worker. The social worker gets on the phone and says, "good news, I have received Josh's file and we can set up an appointment to start the process." I thought to myself....."good news???? Start the process???? We haven't even started yet???" I feel like I am trying to navigate through a dark alley with very little sense of direction. As I began to ask more questions and realized that there is only 40 school days left and legally they have 60 to complete the testing, my emotions began to rise!! You mean to tell me we could begin this process and not complete it until August or September??!! This was first mentioned to me in October??? And I began to feel like a Momma Bear defending her cub!!! Grrrrr! So, frustrated, so helpless. Not really wanting to be mean but, not knowing what to do.
As I recounted the earlier phone conversations to my husband tonight, I remember what I had studied this morning....one of the lines in my devotion said "You have God on your side so what are you worried about." I began to have a renewed sense of peace. God knows Josh better than I or any educator at the school. He knows what timing is best. He is in control. I do not have to turn into "Momma Bear" to defend Josh.
I still have questions about the process and even have reservations about beginning the official testing this school year. God has abundantly surrounded us with people who have more knowledge and experience with this process than Jason and I do. The Bible says in His time. So, now I am asking God to help us make the right decisions for Josh.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Joshua.....
On February 15th 2002 I became a mom for the very first time. Something I had dreamed of all my life. We had a beautiful, bouncing baby boy. I really thought he was the absolute best baby born on this earth (next to baby Jesus, of course). I remember wanting the Dr's and our friends and family recognize how special this baby, OUR baby was.
Joshua was a real "go-getter" from the beginning. He started army crawling across the floor at 4 mo old. He pulled to a stand at 5 1/2 months and was walking by 9 1/2 months. There was little to stop that boy! He picked up on things so quickly and aced all the preschool screenings! I was so proud of him and so thankful God entrusted him to us.
Fast forward 9 yrs.....February 15, 2011 my husband and I find ourselves sitting in a conference room with the school social worker, school educator, the assist. Principal and a handful of other educators to discuss our son Joshua. I remember thinking to myself, "Nine years ago today I never would have dreamed we would be sitting here!" We were there for a "PST" meeting of Problem Solving Team meeting. Joshua has struggled with reading since kindergarten. He has been in Title 1 reading and Reading Recovery. Each semester that has gone by since 1st grade I always thought, "He's really gonna get it this time, it is gonna click and reading will become easier." But, that day never came. Now we were in this meeting to discuss his "deficiencies". In that meeting the group of educators recommended we consent to having Joshua tested for Learning Disabilities and Special Education.
This hit me like a ton of bricks, and my heart was broken. I had so many emotions. First, I felt so much guilt. Like I was such a failure. If only I had read more to him and had him read more at home we wouldn't have been in this place. I was also worried for Josh's future, for his self esteem. Would he be "labeled"? Would he know he was "different"? How would I explain this to him? How would I protect him from the mean kids at school? My heart was truly broken. I was so afraid for him and what this meant.
Josh is such a wonderful, sweet, kind, compassionate kid. He LOVES to help! He is very sensitive and cares deeply for others. I didn't want this to change any of that about him.
The morning after our meeting I sat down to have my quiet time with God and my devotion took me to 2 Corinthians 12. This passage of scripture was written by Paul, and he was talking about his "thorn" of the flesh. The Bible never tells us what the thorn was, but that it was given to Paul and he asked for it to be taken away but it never was. vs 12 says "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I felt God had answered all my fears. Paul was a great man, and did GREAT things for
God in spite of his thorn of the flesh. I felt God told me that Joshua could still do great things in spite of this thorn of the flesh. Also, I knew this was a scripture that I could share with Joshua, that his reading struggles may be his thorn of the flesh but he too could do great things. This was my gift from God to help explain this to Josh and encourage him. That morning I received such peace. There have still been tears following. But, I know God is in control and He loves Josh even more than I do.
Now, each morning when I wake up early and sit at my kitchen table to read my Bible Joshua is sitting next to me reading his kid's Bible. This week he read about how God can make the impossible possible!
Joshua was a real "go-getter" from the beginning. He started army crawling across the floor at 4 mo old. He pulled to a stand at 5 1/2 months and was walking by 9 1/2 months. There was little to stop that boy! He picked up on things so quickly and aced all the preschool screenings! I was so proud of him and so thankful God entrusted him to us.
Fast forward 9 yrs.....February 15, 2011 my husband and I find ourselves sitting in a conference room with the school social worker, school educator, the assist. Principal and a handful of other educators to discuss our son Joshua. I remember thinking to myself, "Nine years ago today I never would have dreamed we would be sitting here!" We were there for a "PST" meeting of Problem Solving Team meeting. Joshua has struggled with reading since kindergarten. He has been in Title 1 reading and Reading Recovery. Each semester that has gone by since 1st grade I always thought, "He's really gonna get it this time, it is gonna click and reading will become easier." But, that day never came. Now we were in this meeting to discuss his "deficiencies". In that meeting the group of educators recommended we consent to having Joshua tested for Learning Disabilities and Special Education.
This hit me like a ton of bricks, and my heart was broken. I had so many emotions. First, I felt so much guilt. Like I was such a failure. If only I had read more to him and had him read more at home we wouldn't have been in this place. I was also worried for Josh's future, for his self esteem. Would he be "labeled"? Would he know he was "different"? How would I explain this to him? How would I protect him from the mean kids at school? My heart was truly broken. I was so afraid for him and what this meant.
Josh is such a wonderful, sweet, kind, compassionate kid. He LOVES to help! He is very sensitive and cares deeply for others. I didn't want this to change any of that about him.
The morning after our meeting I sat down to have my quiet time with God and my devotion took me to 2 Corinthians 12. This passage of scripture was written by Paul, and he was talking about his "thorn" of the flesh. The Bible never tells us what the thorn was, but that it was given to Paul and he asked for it to be taken away but it never was. vs 12 says "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I felt God had answered all my fears. Paul was a great man, and did GREAT things for
God in spite of his thorn of the flesh. I felt God told me that Joshua could still do great things in spite of this thorn of the flesh. Also, I knew this was a scripture that I could share with Joshua, that his reading struggles may be his thorn of the flesh but he too could do great things. This was my gift from God to help explain this to Josh and encourage him. That morning I received such peace. There have still been tears following. But, I know God is in control and He loves Josh even more than I do.
Now, each morning when I wake up early and sit at my kitchen table to read my Bible Joshua is sitting next to me reading his kid's Bible. This week he read about how God can make the impossible possible!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Awesome Mom Cont......
Ok, so yesterday I talked about the milestone in mothering of letting Emma dress herself and do her own hair. I really thought that I had this licked! I made it through the first week with little difficulty! Throughout the week I really never had to face anyone at the school who may have had an opinion that I was so worried about. I even had the oppurtunity on Friday to let Emma's teacher in on our new morning routine. Her response was, "Oh, that's what was up with the boots and the dress yesterday."
Then as we woke up this morning to ger ready for church it hit me, it is the first Sunday of the month. On the first Sunday of the month in our church the children's chior sings a special. So, Miss Emma was going to be in front of the ENTIRE church not for just ONE service but TWO! Wow, what an inner battle!!!! If it had been any other Sunday of the month I would have been ok. The kids usually go off to their classrooms and see few adults. In that case I could just casually mention the hairstyle and explain Emma's new found independence.
Since she picked out a dress I did not have to worry about matching. I felt as though I had dodged a bullet. Then it was time for the hair......I began to panic and reason with myself that it is Sunday and our agreement didn't count for Sunday's. After all we were going to God's house....we needed to look our best. But, then what would I be teaching her? One of the most recent Bible verses she had learned was: "God does not look at what man looks at. Man looks on the outward appearance. God looks at the heart."
With much restraint I gave her full freedom to do her own hair this morning. I did ask a couple of times if I could help her with her part. But, she declined. So, the end result was a very crooked part (if you could call it a part) and a clump in the back that had been hairsprayed. And through my beautiful little girl (crooked part and all) God taught me even deeper that I have spent way too much energy keeping up outward appearances! The kids did a wonderful job on their special. Emma was front and center on the stage right next to her little brother, helping him with the words and actions. Showing everyone what God already sees, her heart filled with love and a nurturing spirit!
Then as we woke up this morning to ger ready for church it hit me, it is the first Sunday of the month. On the first Sunday of the month in our church the children's chior sings a special. So, Miss Emma was going to be in front of the ENTIRE church not for just ONE service but TWO! Wow, what an inner battle!!!! If it had been any other Sunday of the month I would have been ok. The kids usually go off to their classrooms and see few adults. In that case I could just casually mention the hairstyle and explain Emma's new found independence.
Since she picked out a dress I did not have to worry about matching. I felt as though I had dodged a bullet. Then it was time for the hair......I began to panic and reason with myself that it is Sunday and our agreement didn't count for Sunday's. After all we were going to God's house....we needed to look our best. But, then what would I be teaching her? One of the most recent Bible verses she had learned was: "God does not look at what man looks at. Man looks on the outward appearance. God looks at the heart."
With much restraint I gave her full freedom to do her own hair this morning. I did ask a couple of times if I could help her with her part. But, she declined. So, the end result was a very crooked part (if you could call it a part) and a clump in the back that had been hairsprayed. And through my beautiful little girl (crooked part and all) God taught me even deeper that I have spent way too much energy keeping up outward appearances! The kids did a wonderful job on their special. Emma was front and center on the stage right next to her little brother, helping him with the words and actions. Showing everyone what God already sees, her heart filled with love and a nurturing spirit!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
What's an Awesome Mom?
I recently posted a pic on facebook and a friend commented, "your an awesome mom" I read the comment several times and began to ask myself, "What is an awesome mom?"
The last few weeks it seems that it has been a battle of the wills with my daughter. She is the only girl with three brothers, and she is just like me.....all the good and the bad!
Most mornings we debate about the issues of her clothes and hair and daddy has to help come up with a compromise. I could not tell you how many times he has said, "you need to let her pick out her own clothes and do her own hair." What??? I could not begin to fathom the idea!! I have spent a lot of time and energy over the past nine years of motherhood trying to post pics in life showing that I have it all together with my kids....making sure their clothes matched, not too wrinkled, their hair was combed. What would the teachers at school think of me if I let Emma go to school in clothes that did not match, or her hair not done????? The thought was overwhelming!! I then remembered the comment about being an awesome mom....Was I really such an awesome mom if I cared more about what the staff at school may think of me based on my daughter's clothes than what my daughter needed emotionally. So, thanks to my husband's prodding I let go this week. I did not do Emma's hair once this week. I did not pick out a single outfit for her.
Monday was a little scary. She came downstairs in her Cinderella costume from dance. Daddy gently redirected her. She did her own hair, which was a random ponytail on oneside of her head. When she came home she shared with us some of the mixed reviews she had gotten on her new hairstyle. As the week went on it got easier and easier. Thursday she wore a dress with a pair of boots and no tights. I did not say a word. I actually began to enjoy it. I began to see a change in her. More confidence, and less pushing the limits. I had tried to keep her in such a box with little room to move all because of the fear of the opinions of others.
I realized this week that I was letting fear of what others may think of me as a mother keep me from being an "awesome mom". This week I saw Emma blossom in her independence. That is what being a mom is about encouraging and fostering growth in our children.
Next week I may just let Emma wear her Cinderella costume to school.....
The last few weeks it seems that it has been a battle of the wills with my daughter. She is the only girl with three brothers, and she is just like me.....all the good and the bad!
Most mornings we debate about the issues of her clothes and hair and daddy has to help come up with a compromise. I could not tell you how many times he has said, "you need to let her pick out her own clothes and do her own hair." What??? I could not begin to fathom the idea!! I have spent a lot of time and energy over the past nine years of motherhood trying to post pics in life showing that I have it all together with my kids....making sure their clothes matched, not too wrinkled, their hair was combed. What would the teachers at school think of me if I let Emma go to school in clothes that did not match, or her hair not done????? The thought was overwhelming!! I then remembered the comment about being an awesome mom....Was I really such an awesome mom if I cared more about what the staff at school may think of me based on my daughter's clothes than what my daughter needed emotionally. So, thanks to my husband's prodding I let go this week. I did not do Emma's hair once this week. I did not pick out a single outfit for her.
Monday was a little scary. She came downstairs in her Cinderella costume from dance. Daddy gently redirected her. She did her own hair, which was a random ponytail on oneside of her head. When she came home she shared with us some of the mixed reviews she had gotten on her new hairstyle. As the week went on it got easier and easier. Thursday she wore a dress with a pair of boots and no tights. I did not say a word. I actually began to enjoy it. I began to see a change in her. More confidence, and less pushing the limits. I had tried to keep her in such a box with little room to move all because of the fear of the opinions of others.
I realized this week that I was letting fear of what others may think of me as a mother keep me from being an "awesome mom". This week I saw Emma blossom in her independence. That is what being a mom is about encouraging and fostering growth in our children.
Next week I may just let Emma wear her Cinderella costume to school.....
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